Want to see how my mind works?
Great.

  • I bet Beethoven would have been great at Guitar Hero.

  • What if one day Beat Bobby Flay flipped the script, and instead of a cooking competition, it was just Bobby going head-to-head in a bare-knuckle brawl with an MMA fighter?

  • It would be really funny if the next episode was a bloodied Bobby Flay trying to win his cooking competition while clearly concussed. You know, pretend like nothing happened?

  • I don’t believe in Sabrina Carpenter. I think she might be an android or a skinwalker. I don’t dislike her, I just don’t think she’s a real human being.

  • My Shark Tank idea is to manufacture stylish, high-end Tupperwear. It’s about time we cut out the middleman: serving dishes.

  • My toxic trait is that I pull loose threads from my clothes instead of cutting them.

  • Why didn’t any organ donation service partner with the Frankenstein movie?

  • I’d rather have a chair with no legs than a chair with no back.

  • One of these days, I’m going to make my business cards into fortune cookies. When you read your fortune it says “Hire Kass Palter” and your lucky numbers will be my cell number.

  • I wonder what size bed Danny Devito sleeps in.

  • There's something inherently baller about sharing an elevator with people and pressing a higher floor than everyone else.

  • I have an idea for a sausage-themed super villain, his name: The Linklator